Discernment: What should I do with my one and only life?

How do I know what is the best thing I can do with my one and only life? How can I make good choices – especially when there are so many possibilities that seem to be inviting me? The challenge of life-decision is fresh for each person who faces it; yet it is also the oldest of human challenges. Christians have been reflecting on the art of discernment since the days when Jesus taught them in person. These short reflections offer a sampling of that wisdom.

ABBA
Jesus prayed, “Abba! Father!” Scholars tell us this is one of the things we can be most sure is historically true about Jesus. The word “Abba” in Aramaic and other Semitic languages means something like “beloved father.” This was how children spoke to their dads; it was also how disciples spoke to their teachers. That this was the core of Jesus’ prayer speaks volumes about his personal spirituality. It also is a good place for us to begin when we want to discern!

At the heart of discernment is an act of faith in God’s love and care for us. Simply taking time to remember and to entrust ourselves to that love shifts our perspective on the pressure of decision. God created us, and God loves us no matter what. Does God have a preference about what we choose? Yes – God wants us to choose what will best enable us to become who we truly are, which is the image of a passionately loving God! But the truth is that God will still love us just as passionately, no matter what choice we make. We can enter into our discernment process trusting that if we are open to deepening in love, our loving Abba will assuredly help us to discover a way that is profoundly good.

Placing ourselves in the presence of God is also an act of humility. Through the centuries, nearly every Christian spiritual teacher who has written on discernment has emphasized that it begins and ends with humility. The simplest way to understand humility is in the aphorism: “Humility is truth.” Humility is definitely not about groveling or putting oneself down! Rather, humility is knowing that we have been created by a God who knows and loves us just as we are. God invites us to love as the whole person that we are, weak as well as strong. To be humble is to be unafraid of accepting one’s true limitations. And, to be humble is also to be unafraid of affirming one’s true gifts. We discern best when we have that kind of total truthfulness with ourselves. Humility is letting God be God – and letting oneself be oneself, without pretense.

The second necessary virtue that most wise teachers of discernment call for is closely related. Discernment requires that we be open to continual growth in self-knowledge. Sometimes we feel that we do know ourselves pretty well, but then a new situation comes along and we can be surprised by our reactions and feelings. Perhaps we snap at someone who has just made a casual joke, or, on the other hand, we notice that we have no feeling at all when someone is telling a very sad story. There may not appear to be much connection between such small, everyday incidents and our “big” life decisions. Yet reflecting prayerfully on our inward and outward responses to such events actually gives us invaluable information about our real needs, desires, vulnerabilities, sensitivities, and growing edges. When we are in a major time of discernment and we find many different desires and feelings roiling around in us, we will be much better prepared to recognize and assess them.

This means, of course, that learning the art of discernment does not begin just when something major is upon us. Learning to discern means living all the time with a humble, prayerful, reflective attitude that seeks to learn about the ways of God’s Spirit in our midst.

JESUS
Jesus is our model for how to live. We are created in the image of God, and Jesus is the original pattern of that image. We learn how to live authentically by making that pattern our own. That does not mean, of course, that we are supposed to imitate Jesus in all the details of his life. It’s not about dressing or eating or talking just like Jesus! Our calling, rather, is to discover how to enflesh Jesus’s most profound values and attitudes within the details of our world. In fact, this is really what we are always discerning: In this life situation that is facing me here and now, how can I give body to the values Jesus lived and died for?

Once again, we don’t usually get this all figured out overnight. It’s a lifelong learning process. The best foundation for that process is a regular practice of contemplation of the gospels. The gospel stories about Jesus sometimes seem simple on the surface, but to understand their message fully and to make it the pattern of our life takes time and prayer. One key place for this is at the liturgy, where the gospels are proclaimed and preached in the midst of the Christian community. Yet each of us also needs to take additional personal prayer time with the gospels, to hear what God is saying to us deep in our heart.

A good way to begin is by making a habit of spending some time with the gospel passage that is assigned for each day’s liturgy. After taking a few minutes to call to mind the presence of God, read the gospel text slowly a couple of times . . . savor it . . . . notice whatever in it moves you, or intrigues you, or raises a question for you. Ask the Lord for further light on what that may mean for you. Sometimes that light will come right away; at other times it may come later in the day, or even at a surprising time days later. In any case, if you can, try to take a few more minutes with the same gospel again later in the day – perhaps just before going to bed. In this way you “soak” your mind and heart in the story, so that it begins to work on you, even unconsciously.

This form of prayer is a great way to engage in ongoing preparation for living a discerning life. When you have a specific question to discern, it is helpful to practice it even more intensively. Allow longer times for prayer and reflection, and use other gospel passages if you or your spiritual director feel they are especially appropriate for your situation. Remember, though, that the gospel stories of Jesus are not designed to give you a detailed blueprint for how you are to live your life. Rather, they are an opportunity to discover the character and beauty of the gospel life as Jesus demonstrated and taught it. As you pray with the gospels, Jesus will begin to show you elements of your own potential to live that life. It is these that will help you choose a specific path from among those that attract you.

HOLY SPIRIT
The Holy Spirit has been sent into the world by Jesus and his Abba to console, counsel and guide us. But how do we know when it is the Holy Spirit that is motivating us, and when it is something more natural? We all wish there was an easy “sure-fire” test, but in reality discernment is usually more complex than that. The wise person sifts through a variety of signs and applies a number of different criteria before concluding – humbly – that a certain path appears to be the way of the Spirit.

A common statement is that we will recognize what is of the Spirit by the peace that will accompany it. Ultimately, this is true; but it is often not as simple as it sounds to apply this criterion. There are many surface kinds of peace that are not necessarily signs of the Spirit. Just to come to some resolution – any resolution! – after a long period of anxious uncertainty can bring a kind of peace. The elation of success and satisfaction may also be experienced as a kind of peace. On the flip side, we may still feel a good deal of turmoil after making a good choice – especially if the choice requires us to make major changes and give up things that have meant a lot to us.

So what is “the peace of the Spirit”? It is very gentle, very quiet, very tender. It is the conviction of God’s love, and the confidence that we can live our whole lives in that love. It is the courage to move ahead with our choice, and to accept its cost. Above all, it is the awareness that God is with us, and that we can count on that – forever.

St. Ignatius of Loyola, who is one of the premier Christian teachers of discernment, said that there are three “times” for discernment. The first “time” is when the choice of the Spirit is quickly and certainly evident to us; we can proceed immediately, without looking back. This is rare, but it can happen. The classic examples are Matthew leaving his tax-collector’s stand, and Paul blinded by the light of God on the road to Damascus.

Ignatius describes the second “time” as a lengthy period during which we experience a wide range of feelings that he calls “consolations and desolations.” Consolations are touches of the peace of God’s Spirit; desolations are the chill of leaving that peace behind. In the midst of the many desires, fantasies, emotions, and uncertainties that typically accompany a reflection process on what we will do with our life, where do we notice these movements? It takes time to sift through our many feelings, since it is possible that there will be elements of both consolation and desolation in relation to each of the options that we are discerning. Eventually, however, we usually get a sense of a deeper stream of consolation accompanying our thoughts about one of the possible choices.

Finally, the third “time” is one of rational reflection. In this mode, we might make lists of the advantages and disadvantages of each of the options, and then try to organize the items in each list from high priority to low priority. Sometimes this can give us a graphic image of where the greater weight of our values lies. Ignatius says, however, that if one arrives at a tentative conclusion by using reason in this way, one should still seek confirmation within the second “time.” That is, ultimately it is always the touch of the peace of the Spirit – or its opposite, the awareness of a subtle movement away from God – that is at the heart of a good discernment.

CONCLUSION
The difficulty of discernment lies in the fact that we have so many different desires, at so many different levels of our being, and it will never be possible for all of them to be fulfilled. The wonder of discernment, on the other hand, is the discovery that God’s call to us truly is an invitation to joy. God’s own desire is that our deepest desire – the desire to live in pure and holy love – will be radically fulfilled. Our God – Abba, Jesus, and Holy Spirit – has paid the price to open the way for us. Now it is our turn to seek that way with our whole hearts!

By Mary Frohlich, RSCJ

Mary Frohlich, RSCJ is an associate professor of spirituality at Catholic Theological Union. A fascination with the mystical dimension of both ordinary and extraordinary human lives has focused Mary Frohlich’s teaching and research. Her specific interests include reclaiming the spiritual classics as resources for today’s needs, understanding the relationship between psychology and spirituality, and reflecting on the interplay of practice and theory in the developing field of spirituality. She is author of St. Therese of Lisieux: Essential Writings and The Lay Contemplative: Testimonies, Perspectives, Resources.