Challenge Series: Why is the Church So Hung Up About Sex?

Challenges to Being Catholic Today

This is the third article in a four-part Catholics on Call series about some of the challenges of living as a young adult Catholic in contemporary society.  Look to the left to view the other articles in the Challenge Series.

Why is the Church So Hung Up About Sex?

When you stand at the check-out counter at the local pharmacy or grocery store, the most popular magazines are usually there on display. Reading the covers of those magazines is always a reminder to me of the truth of the adage that “sex sells.” Inevitably the most prominent headline on the cover is a reference to the latest survey about sex. These publications always have a least one major article filled with tips about how to improve one’s sex life.

Sexuality is a marvelous gift of a good Creator. Our sexuality is part of our human identity; it is integral to the wonder and the dignity of being human. Our sexuality is something deeper than simply our biological makeup or our capacity for procreation. Through our sexuality we are drawn into relationship with others in ways that extend far beyond romantic or explicitly sexual relationships.

The Catholic Church teaches that sexuality is a gift of God and is a profound human good. But, as we know well, many people feel that the Church does not “have its act together” about sexuality. The opinion of many is that the Church’s teaching about sexual activity is prudish at best and inhuman at worst. They feel that the Church’s attitude toward sex can best be summed up in one simple phrase: “Thou shalt not.”

It is certainly true that the Church has struggled through the centuries to affirm the goodness of human sexuality. There are many reasons for this difficulty – too many to discuss here in any comprehensive way. In some periods, the Church’s theology has manifested tendencies toward dualism, i.e., a separation of the spiritual and the bodily that denigrates the flesh. At other times the Church has held the celibacy of religious and priests in such high esteem that it has failed to affirm the equal dignity of the vocation to married life. The Church would do well to canonize more individuals who were married and more married couples. We need to understand better that the married life, including the sexual relationship between spouses, can be a source and expression of genuine Christian holiness.

Many persons with a homosexual orientation also feel distanced from the Church’s teaching about sexuality. They will find the document approved by the United States Bishops this week quite challenging. What is most important to remember, however, is that it is Catholic teaching that the dignity of every human being must always be acknowledged and respected, regardless of sexual orientation. Each human being is a daughter or son of God who is called into a unique relationship with the God who knows and loves them. That is a reality and a truth that lies deeper than one’s sexual orientation.

I have heard many young adults say that the Church’s teaching against sex before marriage is out of touch with the reality of modern life. It is not attuned to contemporary dynamics of male-female relationships. The teaching about reserving sexual intercourse to marriage is certainly a challenging one; it is counter-cultural in every sense of the term. I believe, however, that for those who struggle with this teaching it is important to remember one thing. One of the main reasons for this teaching is to keep people from hurting each other. The teaching about premarital sex is not simply a rule intended to make unmarried people miserable. It is ultimately to protect the dignity of relationships and of each person in a relationship. 

When the Church says that sexual intercourse should take place in the context of a marital commitment it is recognizing the depth of intimacy involved. It is saying that this level of sharing calls for a relationship that can be counted on – a relationship that has a future. The self-revelation that takes place in such intimacy calls for a bond in which two people have made a commitment to each other for life. It demands that a man and woman be willing to “hold” each other not just physically, but “hold” one another in all the dimensions of their life together. In most cases, this level of sharing also invites an openness to the new life that can be produced from intercourse. If a commitment for life is not present, something essential is missing. Many people who are sexually active in relationships that have no future find their hearts wounded. They find it difficult to establish relationships built on trust.

The effort to integrate the gift of sexuality in our lives is a life long task that is not easy for anyone. None of us achieves this integration perfectly, and all of us make our share of mistakes along the way. In this effort of integration, the counsel of others – spiritual directors or counselors – is often helpful. When we do find ourselves struggling with our sexuality, or when we realize that we have made a mistake, we need not give up or become depressed. Our God is merciful. He knows our struggles and walks with us each step of the way. God is always ready to offer his mercy and grace to us when we turn to him. It is God who gave us the great gift of sexuality in the first place – a gift meant to lead us into loving, life-giving relationships. He continues to call us to deepen our relationship with him and with the people he has put into our lives.

Robin Ryan, CP